Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Gingerdead Man 3:Saturday Night Clever (2011)

   The Gingerdead Man, a potty mouthed,horny confection (voice of William Butler), escapes from a maximum security research institute for homicidal baked goods and wreaks havoc in a 1976 disco roller rink after getting his hands on a time machine.
   Gingerdead Man 3 begins with a spoof on The Silence of the Lambs in which Clarissa Darling (Laura Kachergus) offers The Gingerdead Man (Let's just shorten that to Ginger from here on out.) a deal to be moved to a different maximum security facility on Candyland Island if he'll allow her to do a study on what ingredients make him a killer.Crazed activists break in and set free a wide array of of criminally insane baked goods that includes a slutty cherry pie and a perverted cream puff that earlier shot his creamy filling on Clarissa and told her he could smell her muffin (I know,I should have been done right then, but I guess I'm a glutton for punishment.). Ginger escapes and happens upon a lab where scientists are working on a time machine and of course kills them and uses the time machine.Ginger is transported right into the middle of a 1976 disco roller rink that's going to be crowning it's Roller Boogie Queen later that night.Gingerdead Man 3 now becomes a spoof on Steven King's Carrie, with a little bit of Porky's thrown in, and becomes increasingly ridiculous.Trixie (Kent Fuher), owner of the roller rink and overbearing aunt, introduces her niece Cherry (Paris Wagner) to everyone and makes it known that she doesn't want Cherry to be involved in any skating.Trixie also announces that it will be her last night open because she owes the IRS 85,000 dollars in taxes and a group of girls decide to have a bikini car wash to raise money to help her.The girls manage to make a whopping 3 dollars before Ginger hooks their water hose up to a tank of hydrochloric acid (Yeah,don't you know that stuff if always just randomly lying around...I'm pretty sure I saw a tank of it outside my local Walmart the other day.). It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happens after that but I have to mention that Ginger watched them wash a car and pleasured himself before killing them (I guess gingerbread men need lovin' too...but wait...who bakes anatomically correct gingerbread men? That's pretty funny, I might do that sometime.). Cherry, who is not supposed to be skating, disobeys her aunt and skates anyway and receives a makeover from a couple of girls.When all of the guys start to notice Cherry, Tammy, reigning Roller Boogie Queen for the past 4 years, becomes extremely jealous of Cherry and you immediately know there's going to be pig blood in Cherry's future.Meanwhile, Ginger is on a killing spree and everyone is too preoccupied with the Roller Boogie Queen contest to notice anyone is missing.Ginger finally makes his presence known to everyone and is eventually outwitted by a couple of children that got a hold of his time machine and brought back 4 of the world's most famous mass murderers to kill Ginger.
   Well,what can I say about Gingerdead Man 3? Hmmmm.... it was actually pretty funny.Stupid...but funny.It was exactly what I expected and I had fun watching it (Mostly because I forced my son and husband to suffer through it with me!Bwahahahaha!!). There was minimal gore and it goes without saying that the acting was terrible, but laughs are what I was really after and they delivered.Netflix gave Gingerdead Man 3 1.9 out of 5 stars but I'll give it 2.3.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Scar (2007)

   Joan Burrows (Angela Bettis) returns to her hometown to visit her brother Jeff (Christopher Titus) and niece Olympia (Kirby Bliss Blanton) where several years earlier, as a teenager, she and a friend were held captive and tortured by a sadistic funeral home owner.
   In 1991 Ovid, Colorado seventeen year old's Joan (Brittney Wilson) and Susie (Tegan Moss) are smoking a joint in the graveyard and decide to go spy on Bishop (Ben Cotton) who runs the local funeral home.They appear to have a crush on him for some strange reason (Come on girls...really?He wears a beret and plays with dead people all day...crushing on a mortician is too creepy even for me!). Bishop startles the girls just as they're about to peep through his windows and Joan gets a nasty scrape on her knee which prompts Bishop to invite them in so that he can "bandage Joan's knee" (Wow, I'm pretty sure that at 17 you can bandage your own knee Joan... slut.). Bishop uses chloroform to knock the girls out and takes them to the basement where he begins to torture them when they regain consciousness.He goes back and forth between the girls torturing one to try to get her to tell him to kill the other.Susie is the recipient of most of the torture and I cringed when Bishop poured rubbing alcohol all over the many huge gashes he cut into her legs.After Susie's tongue is cut out and he moves on to torturing Joan again she consents to him killing Susie.Joan later escapes and kills Bishop by stabbing him with a trocar which is used to drain bodily fluids from corpses.When Joan returns to Ovid,many years later, it appears that her niece Olympia's friends are being murdered by a Bishop copycat killer and suspicions are directed toward Joan.
   There is some impressive gore in Scar.As far as the plot is concerned it was somewhat predictable, it doesn't take you long to figure out who the killer is.Although it was pretty much your typical "who done it" slasher film, it was entertaining.Netflix rated Scar 2.8 out of 5 stars but I'll up that to 3 for torture and gore!

Friday, May 4, 2012

Moving (2012)

   Moving is the story of Netira Holley (Netira Holley...me) and the horrors she endured in May 2012 while planning to move back to her home state of Texas from Colorado.
   Netira hates moving more than anything in the world and starts to lose her grip on sanity when forced to move for the second time in a seven month period.Netira's husband claims that moving isn't as stressful as she is making it out to be and her evil bloodlust is boiling to the surface as she imagines several different ways she could murder him (This is the same guy who just told me that moving is the number two cause of divorce and number three cause of stroke and heart attack...what the hell is wrong with him?). Anyway...I'll be posting a real movie review after I get moved and settled in.I just wanted to let my two fans (Yes, I'm ashamed to say that I am one of those two fans...don't judge me...I'm my biggest fan and just had to put out a restraining order on myself for self stalking...AWKWARD!!) know what's going on in case I don't have time to post anything during the next couple of weeks.
   Well wish me luck and I'll be back to work in a couple of weeks.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Chop (2011)

   Lance Reed's (Will Keenan) car breaks down and he accepts a ride from a stranger (Timmy Muskatell) who, he finds out shortly after, has a grudge against Lance for something he did years earlier when he was a worthless crazed crack addict.
   I'll start by saying Chop is more of a dark comedy than a horror movie.I really had no intention of writing a review when I sat down to watch it, but I loved it so much that I felt I couldn't pass up the chance to share the craziness I endured.
   Lance introduces himself to the seemingly helpful stranger who has just picked him up but the stranger doesn't bother to offer his name ( his name is never revealed). When Lance thinks the stranger notices, he informs him that he has a glass eye from a childhood car accident.Lance asks the stranger if he will drop him off in town where he can have his wife pick him up and mentions that his half-brother sold him the car that just broke down on him.The stranger asks Lance who's life he would save if he could only save one of them and then asks him if he's ever been shot by a tranquilizer gun, and you can guess how that turned out.The stranger then takes him to a place where he has Lance's brother tied up and tells him he has to kill his brother to save his wife.After Lance kills his brother the stranger shows him pictures he's taken of Lance's wife and brother having sex. As some strange form of torture he tells Lance that he has to go home and pretend he knows nothing of the affair and if he finds out that he's said anything to his wife he'll make sure the cops find his brother's body.
   Three weeks later Lance is having a hard time pretending not to know about his wife's indiscretion and tries to coax a confession out of her.Seconds later the stranger calls and tells him he knows he didn't honor their deal and detectives Williams (Adam Minarovich) and Roebuck (Tamil T. Rhee) show up later to inform Lance that they found the body of his missing brother.The detectives show Lance the pictures the stranger took of his wife and brother that they found in his dead brother's pocket and ask him if he knows the woman in the pictures.Lance's hilariously unconvincing and nervous reaction to their news arouses suspicion and they ask him if he can go into the station soon to give them a DNA sample.Lance tells his wife, Emily (Tanisha), the news of his brother being found dead and her reaction sends him and his old crack pipe that he held onto after getting sober on a search for drugs.Lance changes his mind and returns home to find the stranger in his home posing as a cable man.The stranger kills Emily and a drugged Lance later wakes to find that his left hand is bandaged and missing a finger.Just as he's realizing what just happened, Williams and Roebuck knock on the door and when asked about his finger, Lance blames it on a lawn mower accident.The detectives would like to question his wife but he tells them she'll probably be gone for a while (more like forever). Lance agrees to to show up at the station to give his DNA sample at 3:00 the next day and the detectives discuss with each other that he's probably killed his wife as they're leaving his house.Lance, now at his wits end, pulls out his trusty old crack pipe and starts tearing his house apart after smoking looking for more , going as far as...how should i put this?...um...he gives himself a cavity search (There! I said it! Yeah, my jaw dropped to the floor then I paused it and laughed hysterically, then I had to rewind and watch it one more time.Don't judge me!!).
   After waking the next day with a syringe sticking out of his neck and finding his left hand now has only a thumb, Lance decides to tell the detectives what has been happening.Williams and Roebuck, even though they don't really believe him, stake out Lances house that night and fall victim to the stranger.Once again Lance wakes to find the stranger has drugged him and taken more fingers and he's now left with only two thumbs.When Lance asks how the stranger knew that he talked to the cops the stranger informs him that he has a bug planted in Lance's glass eye.He drugs Lance again and takes him to an undisclosed location where he ties him up and plans to continue torturing him until he remembers what he did to him and apologizes.Lance tells the stranger that he wasn't sure at first and he was ashamed to admit it but he remembers him.Lance tells him the story of how he was having a bad day because he had no money for drugs and he hit him with his car and robbed him, and is still carrying around his money clip engraved with the name "Ray Fielding". As it turns out, the stranger is not Ray and is very irritated by the fact that Lance still doesn't remember him.The stranger looks Ray up and calls him offering to let him chop off Lance's leg to make up for the leg he lost when Lance hit him with his car.Ray (Mark Irvingsen) shows up with his depraved pedophile cousin Jeff (Jeff Sisson) to exact his revenge but when Jeff wants to chop off Lance's leg and have sex with the stump it's too much even for the psychotic stranger so he asks them to leave, kills them when they refuse, then chops off  Lance's leg himself.
   When the stranger later mentions he had a daughter that was taken from him Lance thinks that Tammy (Elina Madison), a hooker he accidentally killed, must have been the stranger's daughter. Again he's wrong and loses his remaining leg to the hooker's lover Stephanie (Malaya Manson) who the stranger tracked down after hearing Lance's story.Lance now fingerless and legless begs the stranger to kill him but he wants to know what he did to him that was so terrible.He refuses to tell Lance what he did stating that dying without knowing will be his final punishment and injects Lance with poison that should kill him in one minute or so.Right before Lance dies he finally remembers and I won't tell you what he did.You absolutely have to watch Chop and find out for yourself.
   So, I know it seems that I've given away most of the movie but I really haven't.There is so much more to it and the laughs are nonstop.Chop was laden with with the kind of sick humor that I crave and take part in on a daily basis (Again, don't judge me!!). Will Keenan and Timothy Muskatell did an excellent job and though there wasn't much gore, the little that they did have to offer was at least quality.Chop is definitely in the top ten of the funniest movies I've ever seen and Netflix's 3.2 out of 5 stars doesn't do it justice.I say it deserves 4.8.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Fido (2006)

   Timmy Robinson's (Kesun Loder) best friend is his family's zombie servant Fido (Billy Connolly). When Fido snacks on one of the neighbors he sets a small zombie outbreak into motion putting the Robinson family at risk of being thrown out of the safety of their gated community and into the "wild zone"  where untamed zombies roam free.
   Zomcon seems to have the zombie problem under control in 1950's town of Willard. After what is referred to as "the zombie wars" were won in the 1940's, Dr. Greiger, the founder of Zomcon, had the city surrounded by steel walls and invented a zombie domestication collar, complete with remote control, to curb the appetites of zombies and allow them to be used as servants.Helen Robinson (Carrie-Anne Moss), embarrassed by being the only family in town without a zombie servant, surprises zombiephobic husband Bill (Dylan Baker) and son Timmy with a new undead addition to their family.Timmy decides to name his new zombie friend  Fido after he gets out and follows Timmy to the park and saves him from bullies Roy (Aaron Brown) and Stan Fraser (Brandon Olds), who later get blamed for the death of Mrs. Henderson. While in the park, Fido, who is not supposed to be out without a leash, is attacked by the Robinson's elderly neighbor Mrs. Henderson while he's trying to retrieve Timmy's baseball.His collar malfunctions when she hits it with her walker and she instantly becomes a meal.Fido's collar returns to working order just before he's about to make Timmy his second course.Timmy does his best to try to cover up the mess Fido has made but when he later sneaks out to bury Mrs. Henderson he finds that she has become a zombie.Timmy and Helen, who has also grown very fond of Fido,try to keep anyone from finding out that Fido is the cause of the now small zombie outbreak but neighbor and head of Zomcon security, John Bottoms (Henry Czerny), figures out that Fido is responsible.John takes him away to be "disposed of" but spares the Robinson's the usual fate reserved for people who's zombies attack of being thrown out into the wild zone.Timmy and Helen are crushed when Fido is taken away but Bill, who doesn't pay much attention to his family, much less Fido, could care less.John Bottoms' daughter Cindy (Alexia Fast) later informs Timmy that Fido is still alive (or undead I suppose) and being forced to work in the Zomcon building so Timmy enlists his neighbor, Mr. Theopolis (Tim Blake Nelson) and his zombie girlfriend Tammy (Sonja Bennett), to help him break Fido out of Zomcon (That's right...I said zombie girlfriend.In his defense she's pretty well preserved...wait, what am I saying?She's still a dead person!Maybe all of these zombie movies are desensitizing me and making me open to the possibility of falling in love with a hot rotting zombie...sorry, I lost it there for a second but I'm back now...I think.).
   Fido was a hilarious movie.This was no B-Horror movie  attempt at being funny.Fido boasted an excellent cast and kept me laughing and entertained throughout the entire movie.Fido, at times, was basically a Lassie movie with a zombie in place of the dog and they played on it as such, down to the fact that the boy's name is Timmy. Billy Connolly did a fantastic job as Fido, without ever speaking a word he was able to convey a myriad of emotions with his humorous zombified  face.He made me love and root for a zombie!The idea of domesticating zombies and using them as servants or slaves was amusing and more original than most zombie movies which tend to pretty much follow the same plot consisting of a handful of survivors trying to make it to some far away destination that may or may not have survivors and provide safety from the undead.Netflix rated Fido 3.9 out of 5 stars but I'll give it 4.9.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Love Object (2004)

   Love Object is a touching love story about a man and his $10,000 silicone sex doll (I'm sorry, did  I say "touching" ? I meant "creepy".). Kenneth Winslow (Desmond Harrington) is a socially awkward copywriter who explores his sexuality with his sex doll Nikki (played by a skanky mannequin). When Kenneth gets the courage to make a move on the human object of his affection, his assistant Lisa, his doll becomes extremely jealous and Kenneth starts to lose his mind.
   As a joke Kenneth's coworkers show him an advertisement for the realistic sex doll "Nikki". Kenneth who has a crush on his new assistant Lisa (Melissa Sagemiller) later orders Nikki over the internet and designs her to look like Lisa.When his doll arrives he doesn't waste any time taking her out of the crate and making sweet love to her (okay, it was more like two minutes of carnal animal sex...two minutes?Poor Nikki.). Through experimentation with Nikki, Kenneth adds several new positions and kinky practices to his repertoire and begins to see Nikki as his girlfriend, even having conversations with her as if she's speaking to him.Kenneth eventually gets the nerve up to ask Lisa out and as their relationship blossoms and he starts spending less time with Nikki she becomes jealous and threatens to tell Lisa about their relationship (??? Wow, she doesn't even speak...I would like to have seen how that scenario played out!). He begins to try and shut Nikki out, but when he leaves her on the couch for the night he wakes to find her in his bed choking him and even comes home to find her with a knife in her hand and slashed pictures of Lisa.Eventually Kenneth can't take anymore of his psycho sex doll's harassment and dismembers her in his bathtub and throws her in a dumpster outside of his apartment building (I loved how he did it in a bathtub as if there was going to be blood...is Nikki really the one with the mental problem here? I think not.I can't believe he would treat Nikki that way...I'm willing to bet she let him do unspeakable things to her sexually without a single protest and he just dumps her for a real girl who probably only enjoys the missionary position!). Lisa later finds the sex doll advertisement in Kenneth's office and freaks out on him when she realizes his "stalker ex-girlfriend Nikki" is actually a doll and that the suit he bought her and the haircut he suggested for her looks just like the "Nikki" doll advertisement.So Kenneth now having blown it with his human girlfriend and his silicone girlfriend completely loses his mind.
   Not a great movie.Nikki was so creepy looking that I find it hard to believe that even the most desperate man could stand to have sex with her...it...whatever.I knew Love Object wasn't going to be a good movie but I couldn't resist watching it.My feelings about this movie are actually very conflicted...I have no complaints as far as the acting goes (except for maybe Nikki, her performance was pretty bland), it was very well acted. I think the creepy looking sex doll who spoke but didn't really speak and moved supposedly but you never saw it, just rubbed me the wrong way.It just left me wondering if the doll was really jealous of Lisa or if he was just insane (probably the latter). I'm having a hard time pinpointing exactly what made me dislike Love Object so much but the fact is I just didn't like it.I will however give it credit for having a totally unexpected ending.Netflix rated Love Object 2.8 out of 5 stars.I say 2.3.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Believe (1999)

   Benjamin Stiles (Ricky Mabe), after being kicked out of several boarding schools, is sent to live with his strict grandfather where he and his new friend Katherine try to solve the mystery of what happened to a ghost that keeps appearing to them.LAME!!!I have absolutely no idea how this movie ended up in the horror category on Netflix.It started out somewhat intriguing and I hung in there because I thought something really interesting might develop, but near the end of the movie I began to realize that Believe was more of an after-school special than a legitimate horror movie.
   Benjamin's grandfather, Jason Stiles (Jan Rubes), doesn't believe the stories of everyone around him that claim to have seen the ghost of a woman around his mansion and forbids anyone to talk about it.Benjamin becomes friends with local girl Katherine Winslowe (Elisha Cuthbert) and they decide to help the ghost they have been seeing find peace and later discover that the ghost is the deceased sister of Benjamin's grandfather.Benjamin and Katherine are prohibited from seeing each other when Jason Stiles and Katherine's great uncle, Ellicott Winslowe (Ben Gazzara), find out that they are friends.That being said...it turns out Ellicott and Jason's sister were in a relationship when she died and the two men had been blaming each other for years for her accidental death though neither of them were anywhere in the vicinity when it happened.
   Okay, so there went my hopes that something sinister happened to Jason's sister.I can't believe I sat through Believe to find out that the ghost everyone had been seeing just wanted her brother and her lover to stop hating each other and blaming each other for her death.Really?This was considered a horror movie?Okay,so in hindsight I realized maybe I should have checked the rating on this movie...I later noticed after watching it that it is rated PG-13...definitely a red flag for me.I wouldn't have wasted my time if I had noticed beforehand.As far as family movies go,I guess it was an alright movie, but I went into it expecting horror so I'm a little perturbed.I wasn't anticipating a sappy life lesson for sure, at the very least I expected the ghost to have been the product of murder or suicide and be hellbent on getting revenge or something.I had all of these scenarios running through my head of what might have happened to Jason's sister..like her brother murdered her because he was in love with her and couldn't have her or something sick and disturbing like that (What?You people already know I'm a sicko! I watch a minimum of five horror movies a week...enough said.)
   I'll be checking the ratings on movies from now on for sure.It was never an issue until now because I guess I just assumed that all horror movies are rated R...wait, what am I saying? REAL horror movies ARE rated R and Believe was not a horror movie just because Netflix seems to think so.I won't be fooled again!!So Netflix gave Believe 3 out of 5 stars which is accurate if you're watching and expecting it to be a family movie, but as far as it's horror movie rating goes it's half a star even though I guess that's unfair because it just ISN'T a horror movie!!Oh well...
   WOW!!!!I just checked out trailer for Believe and it has the nerve to say it's as haunting as The Sixth Sense...I almost fell out of my chair laughing...Can you say delusional?

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Le6ion of the Dead (2001)

   William (Michael Carr) and Luke (Russell Friedenberg) are on their way to Ridgecrest to visit their buddy Joe...Uhhhggg!!I can't do this!Le6ion of the Dead was just as stupid as the "6" they put in place of the "g" in the title.I was going to try to follow my usual format of starting with the plot summary and then get more in depth into what goes on in the movie, but Le6ion of the Dead has me completely stupified.This movie was a failed attempt at a horror/comedy that just came across as STUPID (You probably noticed that I've used the word "stupid" quite a bit in this paragraph...it's because it was that stupid!).
   Though I got the impression that William and Luke are traveling quite a distance to visit their friend in Ridgecrest, for some strange reason they're walking.I thought maybe I missed something and their car broke down, but no, they're just walking.As they are hoofing it along a deserted desert highway a guy pulls over and offers them a ride and they consider turning him down but decide to take the ride.Mike (Christopher Kriesa) makes it clear, almost immediately, that he picked them up with the intention of killing them.They go through a series of adventures with "Psycho Mike" until their friend Joe happens to come along and save them.The three of them then end up in Ridgecrest's local bar where things go from bad to worse, and I don't mean their situation, I mean the movie.William instantly falls for waitress Geena (Kimberly Liebe), who is being followed by an ancient demon named Tagaio (Matthias Hues). Tagaio has been creating a legion of the dead and wants Geena, who is also a demon, but a good one (barf), by his side.The not so scary (unless you're taking his awful acting into consideration) ancient demon gives everyone in the bar two hours to hand over Geena or he will kill them all (Probably with his bad acting...I know it almost killed ME!). Anyway...I won't waste too much time talking about what happens between then and the end of the movie because I don't really care to relive it.I'll skip right to the end and tell you that at one point William dies and Geena uses her demon powers to breath life back into him (Because they're so in love after knowing each other for two or three damn hours.) and then suddenly he and Luke, who was also killed at some point, are sitting in the bar and everything is normal as if William was just daydreaming.WTF?!!!
   Le6ion of the Dead was beyond terrible.I can't say that I recognized any of the actors and I'm sure that it's because they were never able to find work again with this disaster on their resume.I was extremely irritated that most of the movie turned out to be a stupid daydream.I don't want someone to snap out of it and find that everything is just fine.Doesn't it defeat the purpose of it being a horror movie? Honestly, this movie was awful anyway, so I guess it's not that big of a deal, but what a lame attempt at a big twist!I would not recommend that anyone waste their time watching this movie.Some of you may let your curiosity get the best of you and attempt to watch it...don't do it, you'll only be setting yourself up for disappointment and possibly therapy sessions to rid yourself of the horrible memories.I have absolutely nothing good to say about Le6ion of the Dead...well wait...at least there isn't a Le6ion of the Dead II. Netflix rated this movie 1.9 out of 5 stars but that's just not acceptable.I'll give it 1 star and most of that is out of pity.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Doghouse (2009)

   Vince (Stephen Graham) is wallowing in self pity after his marriage ends in divorce, but his friends are ready to come to his rescue by treating him to, what they plan to be, a weekend of heavy drinking and debauchery.Their destination, the small country village of Moodley, in which the women outnumber the men 3:1 is crawling with man hungry ladies...unfortunately for these guys, sex is not what they're hungry for.
   Vince and his well meaning group of misfit friends (Neil,Graham,Mikey,Patrick, and Matt) meet at a local London bar where their hired minibus driver will be picking them up and taking them to Moodley. Banksy (Neil Maskell) has car trouble on his way to the bar to meet the rest of the gang and they take off to Moodley without him.Mikey (Noel Clarke) is the only person familiar with Moodley and the rest of the group isn't very impressed by it when they arrive and they consider leaving.The minibus driver Ruth (named Candy by Neil) decides she'll hang out on the bus for a half hour while they check out the village and decide if they're going to stay.Mikey heads to the house where they'll be staying and sees a female zombie dressed in wedding lingerie eating a dog (Okay, time to go now!!). Meanwhile the rest of the group is having their own zombie encounter.The group finds it's way back together, and considering what they have seen, the vote to get the hell out of there is unanimous, unfortunately when they return to the bus Ruth/Candy is in the process of turning.When the guys run into Sgt. Gavin Wright (Terry Stone) they're informed that the population of Moodley has been overrun by a virus that only infects women.The guys get separated while fighting off crazed weapon wielding undead.Graham (Emil Marwa),Mikey, and Sgt. Gavin are trapped in a women's clothing boutique (which later comes in hilariously handy for them), Matt (Lee Ingleby) and Vince are trapped in a toyshop,Patrick is trapped on a billboard, and Neil (Danny Dyer) has been taken hostage by an extremely unattractive overweight zombie in her nightgown and hair rollers (mmmm....sexy!). Neil, self proclaimed ladies man, tries to seduce the woman holding him hostage and can barely keep himself from vomiting from the sight of her.Banksy finally shows up in the middle of all of the mayhem and the guys think they're on their way out until Banksy takes them to his rental car which, of all things, is a tiny smart car (I totally lost it on that one!!I had to pause so that I wouldn't miss anything while I was laughing my ass off.). Of course there have been casualties along the way and the remaining guys decide to go for the bus again.
   Doghouse was a winner.Great acting,fantastic humor, and just enough gore to satisfy my evil bloodlust (Bwahahaha...). Doghouse definitely had it's cheesy moments, but they were intentional, and very funny.I can't think of anything bad to say about Doghouse, in fact, I have to say that there was only one black man in the movie and they let him live, so that's extra points in my book.Don't worry, I'm not under the illusion that if there's ever a zombie invasion or any other supernatural event in which several people die, that my black ass will survive! I know it's just a movie! Netflix rated Doghouse 3.1 out of 5 stars, but I enjoyed it enough to give it a 3.9., okay a 4.3 for not killing off the black guy.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Tokyo Gore Police (2008)

   Tokyo Gore Police is the uber-bizarre story of Ruka (Eihi Shiina), a female Tokyo police officer trained to kill "engineers" who's body parts, when injured, mutate into deadly weapons.
   Tokyo Gore Police doesn't waste any time getting right to the blood and gore!Within the first minute we're introduced to Koji Tenake (Tak Sakaguchi), an engineer who has kidnapped a woman and barricaded himself in an abandoned building.The Tokyo police, in full s.w.a.t. gear, enter the building and attempt to kill Koji who is armed with a chainsaw and a very nasty disposition.Blood and body parts begin to fly and when Koji's arm is severed causing him to drop his chainsaw, his arm grotesquely grows back and smartens up by growing it's own attached chainsaw.With the s.w.a.t. team failing miserably, Ruka is called in to finish Koji off. Ruka kills Koji using her sword and the chainsaw he was holding when he lost his arm earlier, before he got his fancy new attached model.An autopsy of Koji's body confirms that he is an engineer when they find the characteristic key shaped tumor that must be severed in order to kill them (The fact that a chainsaw grew out of his arm after it was cut off wasn't enough confirmation?).
   When a prostitute is later found cut into several pieces and stuffed into a small box in the subway station, Ruka is sent to work undercover to find the engineer who is responsible (Damn bigots!They just assume it's an engineer because they're freaky mutants.We're not all bad...I mean they're not all bad..).Ruka finds another woman mutilated and stuffed into a box on a subway car and follows the only other person on the car, who doesn't appear to be mutated except for some strange branding type markings on his face, to an abandoned building.Ruka slashes his face across the bridge of his nose during their confrontation and witnesses him mutating when he pulls the top half of his face off and two shotgun barrel type protrusions emerge from his forehead and start shooting at her.With the top half of his face that was left behind the police discover that the engineer Ruka encountered was Akino Miyama aka Keyman (Itsuji Itao), the first engineer.Akino has been reproducing copies of his tumor and inserting them into others to create more engineers.
   Tokyo Gore Police was one of the most insane movies I've ever seen!There is much more I could tell you concerning the plot of the movie, but I prefer not to because you really should watch this movie.I can't possibly get close to fully describing the insanity of this movie without writing a novel length review.Tokyo Gore Police lived up to it's name and was a serious gorefest.I've never seen so much blood in one movie.Gallons upon gallons of spurting and spraying and gushing blood, and let's not forget the crazy mutations ranging from acid shooting nipples to my personal favorite where an engineer gets the bottom half of her body shredded by gunfire and it mutates into a huge alligator type head complete with wicked sharp teeth.There was never a dull moment in Tokyo Gore Police (Well there was this one slow moment...oh wait, that was a different movie...). It was completely over-the-top and outrageous but I loved it! Netflix gave Tokyo Gore Police 2.8 out of 5 stars but it deserves no less than a 4.8 in my book.I feel dirty just from watching it!!Well I'm off to scrub away the shame of enjoying such a display of depravity!!
   By the way..this movie was directed by Yoshihiro Nishimura.I found four other movies directed by him on Netflix and plan to watch them all in the near future.You will read about them here.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

2012:Zombie Apocalypse (2011)

   Months after the VM2 virus kills most of the world's population a small group of survivors has hopes of making it to a settlement of fellow survivors rumored to be unaffected by the virus on Catalina Island.
   Ramona,Billy, and Kevin (Gerald Webb) are looking for food when they're suddenly surrounded by an onslaught of zombies that manages to get a hold of Kevin and infect him after he takes several of them out.Ramona (Taryn Manning) and Billy are saved by a group of strangers, led by Mack (Gary Weeks), and decide to join the group on their journey to Catalina Island.Ramona is reluctant at first as if she has a hell of a lot of other choices (I guess she's not too bright). Mack's group, which includes Henry (Ving Rhames),Cassie (Lesley-Ann Brandt), and Julien (Johnny Pacar), share their horror stories with Ramona and Billy (Eddie Steeples) and inform them that there are two kinds of zombies they will be encountering.The older zombies are your typical slow moving, easily overpowered type, but the fresh newly made zombies, referred to as "runners", are strong and incredibly fast moving.They later cross paths with a "runner" bigger than Ving Rhames (Yes, I said bigger than Ving Rhames.Can you imagine a zombie twice the size of him coming after you?Terrifying!!). The group discovers along the way that the undead are becoming smarter.The group is ambushed on a couple of occasions by obviously organized attacks by brainiac zombies.They also discover that humans are not the only ones being infected by the virus when a dog that's been following them shows up turned and hungry for more than scraps.Eventually what's left of their group makes it to the docks where a ferry is sent weekly to pick up survivors and take them to Catalina Island.
   I have to say that during the opening credits of 2012:Zombie Apocalypse when I saw that this was a Syfy original movie I came close to turning it off without giving the movie a chance.I literally spoke out loud "Oh hell no!" (Slayer,my January 24th blog, was a terrible Syfy original and has me a little leery, okay a LOT leery of their movies.). 2012;Zombie Apocalypse, thank goodness, was nowhere near as awful.I was actually surprised by the quality of this movie versus Slayer.It was your typical zombie movie as far as the plot is concerned, but it was entertaining.The acting was well done and the gore was impressive.My only complaint is that when they finally make it to the docks they confront an infected tiger that is extremely, obviously computer generated.Other than that it was a descent movie.Netflix gave 2012:Zombie Apocalypse 2.1 out of 5 stars, but I'll give it 2.5 for excellent gore.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Autumn (2009)

   Michael,Carl,and Emma are three survivors of a devastating plague that seems to have wiped out most of the world's population.They soon find the plague is the least of their problems as the dead begin to reanimate.
   Michael (Dexter Fletcher),Carl (Dickon Tolson),and Emma (Lana Kamenov) split up from a larger group of survivors that have assembled at the local high school.They find an isolated farmhouse and decide to make themselves comfortable there,possibly indefinitely.The farmhouse is equipped with a generator, located in a shed just outside the main house, which begins to draw the attention of what they call "walkers". The walkers become increasingly smarter and more coordinated throughout the course of the movie.During the first few days at the farmhouse Mike was able to walk right through hordes of walkers to turn off the generator and they would act as if he wasn't even there and disperse immediately after the generator was silenced.When they notice that there is starting to be more and more of them Mike builds a fence (a flimsy joke of a fence) around the house to keep the increasing number of walkers away, which manages to work for a few days, but obviously won't keep them away for forever.Eventually the farmhouse is overrun and Mike and Emma are forced to leave while Carl,who's pretty much given up on life, lures the walkers away and becomes dinner so that Mike and Emma can escape.
   BORING!I was not at all impressed with Autumn.It was painstakingly slow and uneventful.They waited until the last ten minutes of the movie before they really even showed the zombies being violent,besides a scene maybe ten minutes before that when Carl witnessed a group of of them eating a dog (I could care less about a dog being ripped apart.I want to see PEOPLE getting eaten and I'd like to know why I had to wait an hour and forty minutes into an hour and fifty minute movie to see it!). The zombies seemed more interested in lights and noise than in eating the entrails of the living (Time to go back to zombie school you rejects.). I'm pretty sure it's the most non gory zombie movie I've ever seen (Who makes a zombie movie with minimal gore?). I will give them credit for their job on the makeup,the zombies at least LOOKED scary while they were doing absolutely nothing scary.Like I said....BORING!Netflix gave Autumn 2 out of 5 stars but I'm demoting it to 1.3 for making such a boring movie and having the nerve to make it an hour and fifty minute long boring movie.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Amityville Haunting (2011)

   Douglas (Jason Williams),Virginia Benson (Amy Van Horne), and their three children move into the infamous Amityville house thirty-two years after the Lutz family left (Hello,they left for a reason!). One month later the police find recordings of what the Benson's experienced during their short stay in the house.
   The Benson family, with the exception of youngest child Melanie (Gracie Largent), knows the history of the Amityville house (which no longer even looks like the original house...stupid) but Douglas insists that it's all they can afford.Before they even move into the house their realtor drops dead outside while they're in the house discussing whether or not to buy it (Really?You're still going to buy it?). Teenaged, aspiring movie maker, son Tyler (Devin Clark) has decided he's going to make a documentary about their experiences in their new house and is constantly annoying and invading the privacy of the entire family. A couple of days later the Benson family moves in (Against my better judgement!I yelled at them not to do it!). While moving in one of the movers falls down the stairs with fatal results (Okay, now it's really time to go people!). Virginia, who was against buying the house in the first place, has a problem with the fact that they have lived in the house for one day and have already racked up two dead bodies.Doug, totally unfazed by what has happened, calms her down and convinces her to try and tough it out and give their new house a chance (Oh hell no!I believe that's grounds for divorce girl!). Things get progressively worse from that day on...Melanie's new imaginary friend is John Defeo (Actual 9 year old murder victim in Amityville house in 1974),their back door opens every night at 3:15 am (suspected time of Defeo family massacre), and other random creepy happenings.Douglas installs an alarm because he believes oldest daughter Lori (Nadine Crocker) has been sneaking out and leaving the door open (Who installs an alarm on a haunted house?Isn't that just asking for your neighbors to hate you?It's like dragging them down with you every time the alarm goes off.). Doug, the only skeptic in the house, finally loses it after a couple of more bodies are added to the list of mishaps since their move in.As you can guess the Benson family never makes it out of the house alive (What a shocker,right?!).
   The Amityville Haunting wasn't a very good movie in my opinion.I believe it could have been a little better if they hadn't chosen to do it in the style of Paranormal Activity and if it wasn't the 100th Amityville movie (NO MORE AMITYVILLE MOVIES!!). I loved the original Amityville Horror, it was one of only three movies that ever scared me as a kid (The Exorcist and Salem's Lot were the other two.). I can vividly remember being in the car with my family on the way to the theater in 1979 to see The Amityville Horror.I didn't get to see it until years later when it was on cable because we never made it to the theater that night.We got half way there before having to turn around because it started storming and blowing our car all over the road.Being such a big fan of  the original Amityville movie I was quite disappointed by this one.The acting was just okay,the writing left something to be desired,I was bored, and I was annoyed with the Paranormal Activity style recording that's been done to death.I don't know about everyone else but for me most movies done in this type of style make it more unrealistic for me even though it's intended to have the opposite effect I suppose.Netflix gave The Amityville Haunting 2 out of 5 stars but I think it deserves 1.5 stars.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Retardead (2008)

   Butte County,California's Sheriff's Department is hard at work trying to capture a serial masturbator who's been terrorizing the townspeople.Their problems get worse when the town's, thought to be dead, mad scientist Dr. Stern returns posing as special education teacher Dr. Feldman.
   Deputies Rick (Rick Popko) and Dan (Dan West) have their hands full trying to catch "the weenie wagger" but are close to discovering his identity because of a DNA sample he left on a window while peeping (never mind that he can be easily recognized through the white panty hose he wears on his head). Meanwhile, missing mad scientist Dr. Stern has just resurfaced with his new identity, Dr. Feldman, and has gotten a job at the town's special education school. Dr. Stern/Feldman (Dan Burr) has developed an intelligence serum and plans to experiment on the students.Stern/Feldman's serum does make the students smarter, but eventually turns them into some of the most ridiculous zombies I've ever seen.Stern/Feldman locks the zombie students in the basement of the school and the janitor Herbert, soon to be known as the weenie wagger, discovers them and recognizes Stern.Deputies Rick and Dan have just gotten the DNA results implicating Herbert (Billy Borrelli) and show up to arrest him just as he's running out of the school terrified by what he just witnessed.The deputies give him a Rodney King style beating and take him into the station.
   Stern/Feldman's students escape and start using Butte County as their own personal buffet and spread the virus that has mutated from his serum.Of course the military is soon sent in and the town is quarantined.Sheriff Duncan (Paul Weiner),Stern,Rick,Dan,Herbert,and F.B.I. agent Susan (Beth West) plan to lure all of the zombies to the county morgue to make it easier to destroy them all at once.The group draws matches to determine who will be the bait that lures the zombies and Rick loses when he draws the longest match.Dan gets the second longest match and has to assist Rick.Stern/Feldman's idea for attracting the zombies is to make a "meat suit"  so he he removes the organs from a dead body and Rick and Dan stand there holding buckets full of organs and throwing up the entire time.Rick donned in the meat suit and Dan, wearing a finger necklace he made to make Rick feel better about being the one who has to wear the meat suit,head out to exact their plan.The brilliant plan works and the zombies follow them to the morgue where the survivors unload all of their ammunition on the horde, killing them all, only to hear a news broadcast seconds later reporting that it was only a forty-eight hour virus.
   Retardead was filled with intentional bad acting and over the top gore.There were quite a few laughs and I found it entertaining.Although I'm sure it was probably intended, the zombies were terrible.Blue skin was pretty much the extent of their makeup effects.Overall I liked Retardead, it wasn't the best movie I've ever seen, but it definitely wasn't the worst (hhm...hhm...Johnny Sunshine). At least it was good for a few laughs.I think my favorite part was when they were killing the zombies at the morgue and Herbert, who was armed with a chainsaw, got killed when it came unplugged right in time with everyone else running out of ammunition (Really?He had plenty of time to plug it back into the extension cord !Wait, are chainsaws usually even electric?). Anyway,Netflix rated Retardead 2 out of 5 stars and I'll agree with that.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Dying Breed (2008)

   A group of four travels to Tasmania, Australia to prove the existence of,the thought to be extinct, Tasmanian Tiger.Nina (Mirrah Foulkes) is determined to finish the work her sister started years ago before her mysterious death in the Tasmanian wilderness.Nina and boyfriend Matt (Leigh Whannell) along with couple Jack and Rebecca find themselves surrounded by descendents of local legend "The Pieman" an escaped convict executed for cannibalism in the 1820's.
   The action kicks in a couple of nights into their trip when Rebecca (Melanie Vallejo), separated from the rest of the group, becomes an hors d'oeuvre for one of the local freaks. Jack (Nathan Phillips) finds his girlfriend's half eaten body hanging at a shack in the woods and is spared a similar death to Rebecca when he steps in a bear trap and then falls headfirst into another one (I'm not sure which is a worse way to go!). Nina finds out that the creepy little girl who bit Matt a couple of days earlier on a ferry ride is her niece (As you can guess, she wasn't a willing participant.There aren't exactly any cannibal hotties in the vicinity.). The locals plan to keep Nina for breeding purposes (Eeeeewwww,you should see the selection around there!)  and Matt is to become another item on the menu.
   Dying Breed was very well written and acted.Though I've seen similar stories before it was still very entertaining.My morbid cannibalism fix was fully satisfied.Is it just me, or are cannibals even more disturbing than zombies?At least zombies are dead, but cannibals make a conscience choice to devour people.Dying Breed's flesh eaters weren't your usual run of the mill, butcher a body and cook it type either,they were the viscious, tear into you, and eat you alive variety and I loved it!There were several nicely done gory scenes and a couple of scenes that managed to keep me slightly on edge.Netflix rated Dying Breed 3 out of 5 stars but I'll give it 3.5.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Die-ner (2010)

   Serial killer Ken (Joshua Grote) hitchhikes and ends up at an empty diner during the graveyard shift.Ken proceeds to kill diner employees Rose (maria Olsen) and Fred (Jorge Montalvo), the only two people in the diner, and hides their bodies in the walk-in freezer.Ken poses as an employee when couple Rob (Parker Quinn) and Kathy (Liesel Kopp) stop in for a bite to eat.Ken is about to make Rob and Kathy his next victims when Sheriff Duke (Larry Purtell) shows up and wonders where Rose and Fred are just as they're coming out of the freezer in their newly acquired undead state.
   Rob,Kathy,and the now bitten Sheriff Duke are held hostage by admitted killer Ken while he tries to figure out what to do about the zombie situation.The couple manages to knock Ken out twice and almost escape.While Ken is knocked out, both times, he has some strange, completely unnecessary dream of being a child walking around his house.During these long drawn out dream sequences I kept expecting the child version of Ken to find a dead body,kill someone, or at least torture a small animal but nothing happened (Isn't this supposed to be a horror movie?I'm confused!). I just didn't get it.I felt it was also unnecessary for me to know the boring life stories of Rose and Sheriff Duke (More killing and gore and less damn talking please!). Dialogue is an important part of any kind of movie but it has to be done well and be relevant to what's going on in the movie and it was neither.I could care less about Rose's cheating husband (dirty bastard) or Duke's loving wife unless they're getting their faces chewed off ,which would have been nice.
   Wow,this was the most boring zombie movie I've ever seen.How does that happen? Boring and zombie are not usually synonymous but Die-ner managed to make it happen.Not only was this movie boring in general but the zombies themselves were boring and not at all intimidating.I get the feeling that Die-ner was supposed to be a horror/comedy but they failed miserably at both if you ask me.Thankfully Die-ner was only an hour and sixteen minutes long because I doubt I could have made it through much more.Why Netflix rated this movie 2 out of 5 stars is beyond me but I'll knock that rating down to 1 star.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Grave Encounters (2011)

   Grave Encounters is the story of Lance Preston (Sean Rogerson) and his crew of ghost hunters who plan to spend eight hours locked in an allegedly haunted, vacant psychiatric hospital.They film what is their sixth and final episode of the ghost hunting reality show Grave Encounters.
   The crew arrives at Collingswood Psychiatric Hospital and Lance begins by interviewing town historian Morgan Turner (Shawn Macdonald). Morgan reveals that from 1895 to 1960 when Collingswood was closed, it was basically a dumping ground for the mentally ill with disgraceful living conditions and no real determination to help the patients get well.Kenny (Bob Rathie) is the long time caretaker of the abandoned building and has had his share of paranormal phenomenon while taking care of the grounds (Okay it's time for a new job Kenny!). Lance also interviews a contractor and a local teenager that have had paranormal experiences in Collingswood.The resident gardener Javier (Luis Javier) is told by Lance to lie on camera and say that he's also experienced something when in fact he's never seen anything.
   Shortly before the 10:00 p.m. scheduled lock-down, Lance brings in fake medium Houston Gray (Mackenzie Gray) who puts on a good show for the cameras then laughs with Lance and asks him if it was too much when they stop filming.The crew sets up cameras in the hospital's supposed hot spots and roams around the building trying to make contact for the first couple of hours with no results.Cameraman T.C. (Merwin Mondesir) sets his camera down to answer his cell phone and misses the first real evidence that the hospital is really haunted. T.C. ventures into a room where the door slams and scares the crap out of him ( Not literally, thank goodness!). After he realizes none of the crew could have been the culprit responsible for slamming the door he calls them in and tells them what happened.The crew is skeptical until T.C. shows them the footage of it happening, but once convinced they try to initiate contact asking the entity to slam the door again.They get their door slam and much more ( I would have been out of there after the door slammed.I slept with my mother for a week once when I was eighteen because of a scary Ouija Board experience.I'm not crazy, okay maybe a little but that's beside the point,there were witnesses!).
   Grave Encounters was a really good movie in my opinion.Once the action really got going I was hooked and on edge for the rest of the movie.Great acting,excellent special effects ( I may have slightly peed my pants during a couple of scenes.). As far as I'm concerned Grave Encounters is a must see, it was like Paranormal Activity on steroids.Besides the frightening ghosts there was another spooky element that I won't go into, that added a really nice touch to Grave Encounters.You will have to watch it to find out what that is,Netflix gave Grave Encounters 3.5 out of 5 stars but I think it deserves a 4.5.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

11/11/11 (2011)

   Jack (John Briddell), Melissa (Erin Coker), and Nathan Vale move to a small town with no knowledge that their new neighborhood is filled with Satanists looking forward to their arrival.Ten year old Nathan (Hayden Byerly) is turning eleven on 11/11/11 in just a few days and is expected to bring Hell on earth with him.
   The whole town goes to great lengths to make sure that Nathan's satanic transformation goes as planned.Pregnant Melissa's new doctor puts her on bed rest ensuring that she'll need a nurse to take care of her, and a nanny to take care of Nathan.Melissa's nurse keeps her sedated and loopy most of the time so that Denise (Aurelia Scheppers), the evil nanny, can encourage Nathan's dark side (His dark side doesn't consist of much, every ten year old boy burns insects and throws rocks at neighbors.Not impressed!). Annie (Madonna Magee), who is know as the town's crazy lady, spends the entire movie marking off the days until Nathan's birthday on her calender and trying to lure him to her house to kill him.Annie, like everyone else in town , knows who or what Nathan is, but is on the side of good (How is Annie considered the crazy one in a town full of Satanists?).
   11/11/11 wasn't that great of a movie.They went a bit overboard with the eleven theme in my opinion.Every time they showed a clock there was an eleven and it was quite often.Their address added up to eleven, (Okay,now I'm annoyed,no joke,I just checked the time and it's 2:11), every newspaper,book, or magazine had an eleven somewhere and they made damn sure you saw it.Okay I get it!!                                 There wasn't much gore to speak of which was disappointing (Satanic stories should be good and bloody!). I have no complaints about the acting,everyone did well as far as that's concerned.There were just a few things about this movie that made no sense and could have been left out.For instance, there were deep claw marks on one of the walls of the house when the Vale's moved in and there was never any explanation as to why, yet they tried to make it seem significant.11/11/11 was basically a rip off of The Omen, but nowhere near as good (I'm guilty of naming my, now 17 year old, son Damien by the way.) Nathan was nowhere near menacing enough.I think it could have been a somewhat better movie if they had bothered to make Nathan creepier.Netflix gave 11/11/11 1.7 out of 5 stars and I have to agree.By the way... there are two 11/11/11 movies both released in 2011, the other is 11-11-11.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Yellow Brick Road (2010)

   Teddy (Michael Laurino) and Melissa Barnes (Anessa Ramsey) lead a team of explorers into New Hampshire wilderness to gather information for a book Teddy is writing.Seventy years ago all of the inhabitants of Friar,New Hampshire left behind everything and walked the mysterious trail never to been seen alive again.
   Teddy and his team arrive in Friar to find that no one is willing to talk to them about the trail or the incident seventy years ago.Teddy's coordinates lead them to a movie theater in town where he meets Liv (Laura Heisler). Liv agrees to show the team where the trail is if she's allowed to tag along with them and get away from her mundane existence in Friar for a while.The farther along the team gets on their hike,the stranger things become for them.They begin having more and more problems with their GPS and other instruments,not to mention each other.The team slowly starts to turn on one another as they're being driven insane by some weird old fashioned music coming from nowhere (oooo...so scary,not!).
   Although there was good acting and a couple of notable gory scenes,I was not a big fan of this movie.I kept waiting for something scary to happen and it never came.The most interesting part of the movie was when brother and sister Erin and Daryl Luger get into a fight that ends in Daryl (Clark Freeman) ripping Erin's (Cassidy Freeman) leg off (Oh how cute, they're really brother and sister...barf!). Besides that tasty little tidbit of gore, I was bored to tears.Yellow Brick Road could have at least finished with a good ending to make up for almost making me nod off during the rest of the movie, but that didn't happen.The ending was as stupid and boring as the beginning and middle.I can't figure out why this movie was even classified as a horror movie ( a dead body dressed as a scarecrow does not a horror movie make,I've seen scarier images in public bathrooms).
   I really felt Yellow Brick Road was a waste of my time.Netflix gave it 2.5 out of 5 stars but I'll give it a demotion to 2 for making me hang in there with the hope of something interesting happening eventually and not delivering and a further demotion to 1.8 for making me sleepy.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Johnny Sunshine:Maximum Violence (2008)

   Johnny Sunshine is irrefutably the worst movie I've ever seen.I'm literally at a loss for words when it comes to this movie.It usually doesn't take me very long to write my reviews, but I've been sitting here for what seems like forever trying to figure out where to begin with this disaster.
   Johnny Sunshine is a female pornographic snuff film star who is Max Maximum Productions' top selling star in a future filled with zombies ( Johnny Sunshine was made in 2008 and set in 2012 yet one of the characters is using a 10 lb flip phone reminiscent of  the gargantuan 1980's car phones.). Max (Eric Halsell) decides Johnny is no longer an asset to him and plans, behind her back, to have her killed in one of her own pornographic snuff films.
   This movie was filled with badly choreographed fight scenes and unconvincing zombies (How do you screw up acting like a zombie?I master it every morning just getting out of bed!). There were some gory scenes but I was unimpressed by them, maybe because the movie was just so idiotic that I had a hard time getting into it,I just wanted it to be over. I feel like they were more interested in making a porno than a horror film. It was just a very disturbing movie, not because of the constant references to necrophilia, but because I can't believe someone wasted their money making this total piece of crap.If I thought they had made a single cent of profit for making it I might consider suing them for mental anguish.I usually try really hard to find at least one good thing to say about a movie no matter how bad, but I've got nothing.Netflix rated Johnny Sunshine 1.7 out of 5 stars.It deserves a negative 5 and all evidence of this movie should be wiped off of the face of the planet before another person has to suffer through it.I may need counseling.I didn't include a trailer with this review because I couldn't find a censored version and I don't know if there are any kids checking out my site.The trailer is awful anyway!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Bloodlock (2008)

   Married couple Barry and Christine move into a new house after Christine (Ashley Gallo) suffers a nervous breakdown caused by the death of her mother.Christine's skank,husband stealing, half-sister Lisa (Karen Fox) (Huh?No, I'm not bitter!), is living with them and sleeping with Barry (Dominic Koulianos). Christine discovers a strange locked metal door with a cross in the basement of their new house and becomes obsessed with opening it.Elderly neighbors Foster (Dirk Hermance) and Edwina (Debra Gordon) are also obsessed with opening the door in Christine's basement.The elderly couple has plans of becoming immortal, they know the world's very first vampire was imprisoned in the basement by the former owner of the house.
   Christine, determined to open the mysterious door, goes into town to find a locksmith.She meets locksmith Luke who tells her that some things are just better left alone and she shouldn't try to open the door.She returns home to find Foster and Edwina in her basement drilling the lock to the metal door.They manage to to open the door and Christine escapes as the vampire is busy killing the oh so deserving Barry and Lisa (okay, maybe I'm a little bitter!). Luke is pulling up to her house just as she's running out and takes her back to his place.It came as a total surprise to me that Christine and Luke end up sleeping together... excuse me, it was more like making love  (Can you feel me rolling my eyes?Really?This is supposed to be a horror movie people!No mushy love scenes!!). Meanwhile the vampire is out turning people and very ungorily killing (I know that's not a real word, but this wasn't a real movie either). Sometime between Christine and Luke's stupid love scene and the next morning when they go looking for the vampire, I noticed Christine managed to find the time to put red streaks in her hair (Vampire attack survival list: garlic,crosses,holy water,stakes...red highlights in hair?).
   Christine,Luke, and Foster find the vampire's nest filled with people he's just recently turned.Luke is pinned down by a female vampire and a closeup reveals that the blue and red veins covering her face and hands are so ridiculously and obviously drawn on by a freaking ballpoint pen (thumbs up to the makeup crew!). When Luke is killed Christine becomes extremely distraught over the loss of her longtime boyfriend (2 days). Christine manages to get the vampire back to the basement when he's weakened by her garlic tainted blood after biting her.
   Wow, Bloodlock was terrible!Hands down some of the worst acting I've ever seen.I guess the plot would have been good if the movie had been executed properly with good acting and special effects, but that didn't happen.It actually had a little surprise at the end that I didn't expect, but it didn't change my opinion of the movie.Netflix gave Bloodlock 1.6 out of 5 stars and I guess that's fairly accurate, maybe a tad generous.Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to buy a few copies of Bloodlock to keep handy as presents for people who piss me off between now and Christmas.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Assault of the Sasquatch (2009)

   Terry Drake (Kevin Shea) thinks he's hit the jackpot when he finds a Sasquatch caught in one of his bear traps while he and two other guys are out poaching bears.Terry's two accomplices meet an early demise at the hands of Sasquatch and Terry is picked up by the police for poaching.The arresting officers Ryan Walker (Greg Nutcher) and Krystle Morin (Christina Santiago) are unaware that Terry's box truck contains the Sasquatch and they take it to the police station where they're booking Terry.Ryan's daughter, Jessica (Sarah J. Ahearn), is already on the way to the police station, after spending time with boyfriend Leighton (Michael Wrann), to pick up dad, Ryan, from work.Some time after everyone makes it to the station Sasquatch escapes (I totally didn't see it coming, okay maybe I did) and starts roaming the neighborhood.Super annoying mega-nerds Don (Shawn C. Phillips) and Murph (M. Kelley) catch Sasquatch on film peeping through the window of a girl undressing (oh sure,doesn't everyone make it a habit to get naked in front of an open window before going into the bathroom to take a shower?). Don and Murph spend the rest of the movie trying to find Sasquatch and record him again until they finally catch up with him and the agitated Sasquatch smashes Don's face in with one blow and spears Murph with a traffic sign.
   Besides a few good gory scenes, this movie didn't have much to offer.The acting was terrible, the dialogue even more terrible, well wait,there was this one touching scene when... (yeah right!!). I noticed that in the first half of the movie Sasquatch was only killing when provoked.He gets his butt kicked by secretary Amy Steel (Andrea Saenz), who thinks she's a badass until Sasquatch gets revenge later and rips her legs off (little reality check for little Miss badass!). Leighton also gets a reality check when he runs into Sasquatch and maces him and then has the nerve to walk off talking trash.Next thing you know boulders are flying out of nowhere with brutal force and crushing Leighton's bones as he stands there crying like a little girl.Sasquatch finishes his assault with a big,blue U.S. Postal Service mailbox flying through the air, at what seems like about 50 miles an hour,knocking him clear out of the view of the camera.
   Ryan,Jessica, and Krystle are the only ones,besides the Sasquatch, left standing at the end of the movie, which was very disappointing for me.Sasquatch, as I mentioned earlier, mainly killed when provoked. I would much rather have seen a ruthless Sasquatch killing everything in his path just for the hell of it.Who needs a Sasquatch with a damn conscience in what is supposed to be a horror movie (at least the acting was horrifying,I'll give them that).Ryan,Jessica, and Krystle should have been killed along with everyone else just to spare us from their bad acting!
   Netflix rated Assault of the Sasquatch 2.1 out of 5 stars.The gore may have been a 2.1,but what the rest of the movie deserves is a 1.5, especially for the very unconvincing Sasquatch costume that reminded me of a long haired version of a bad gorilla costume.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Zombies of Mass Destruction (2009)

   The usually quiet town of Port Gamble is believed to be the target of a terrorist attack.They suspect that known  Iraqi terrorist Mohammed Mustafa (Kevin Hamedani) has unleashed a virus turning the inhabitants of Port Gamble into ravenous zombies.Frida and gay couple Tom and Lance are the movie's main characters, but they don't meet until the end of the movie so you're basically following two stories until they finally meet up.
   Frida is an Iranian American Princeton student who's taking a break from the pressures of college and comes back to her hometown.Frida runs into her longtime schoolmate and neighbor, Brian Miller (Andrew Hyde),and his parents Joe (Russel Hodgkinson) and Judy Miller (Victoria Drake). Judy makes the mistake of thinking Frida is Iraqi, which is a mistake made by several different people throughout the movie.Frida later, against her dad's wishes, leaves to go on a date with her boyfriend Derek (Ryan Berett), (since when is sitting in a car smoking pot considered a date?). As they're sitting in his parked car talking Derek is attacked out of nowhere through his open window and gets his face ripped off in the process (I was sold right then!). Frida escapes the onslaught of bloodthirsty zombies surrounding the car and runs to her house to check on her father.She arrives to see that it would be nearly impossible to get into her house and is spotted by her neighbor, Judy Miller, who calls her over to the safety of her house.Just as they're about to make it safely into the Miller's home Judy is bitten.As Joe Miller is busy watching the news his son Brian tries to convince him that something has to be done about his now infected mother.Joe blows him off and Brian says "Mom's  bitten.Haven't you ever seen a zombie movie?". Joe yells back at him "You know I'm a vampire man!Now get your head back in the game for Christ's sake!". Joe notices that Frida is wearing a necklace similar to the one he's seeing on the suspected terrorist on t.v. and becomes convinced that she has something to do with it.Joe goes into a hilarious conspiracy theory rant and decides to put Frida through a barrage of patriotic testing.Among other things, he asks her the color of the U.S. passport and when she says "blue" he wants the exact shade.He makes her sing the National Anthem and claims she wasn't singing in the right key, so she must be a terrorist.Brian, by the way, has to remind his dad that he's actually Canadian.
   Tom (Doug Fahl) and Lance (Cooper Hopkins) are from Manhattan and are visiting Tom's hometown to come out of the closet to his mother Mrs. Hunt (Linda Jensen). They have no idea what is going on yet and are having dinner with Tom's mother when she mentions that she was bitten by one of her neighbors earlier.She starts coughing uncontrollably at the table and goes to the kitchen to get dessert ( I would have to pass on any food she was touching, that cough sounded nasty!). Lance tells Tom that he needs to stop putting off coming out to his mom and should get it out of the way right then.Tom yells from the dining room to his mom in the kitchen that he's gay.When his mom comes out of the kitchen and attacks him they think it's a reaction to the news he's just given her.After having to stake Mrs. Hunt to the wall they try to leave and discover there are more zombies outside.Mrs. Hunt eventually escapes and Tom would rather take his chances outside than have to kill his mom ( Screw that, she needs to be put down.She's pretty hideous, but then she really wasn't much more attractive before the transformation.).
    Zombies of Mass Destruction has it all!Good acting,decent plot,just the right amount of comedy,and my personal favorite...a hellacious amount of gore!There was blood,guts,and more blood and more guts.Who could ask for more?Lance finds a weed wacker on the street and creates a couple of the movies goriest scenes.The zombies were of the old school slow variety, but what they lacked in speed, they made up for in ugliness for sure.I really enjoyed this movie, I feel it deserves better than the 2.7 out of 5 stars it was given by Netflix.It's a 4.5 in gore alone!

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Thankskilling (2009)

    Thankskilling is a low budget comedy/horror about a homicidal five-hundred and ten year old turkey (killer turkey,that's right). I know it sounds like I should have stayed away from this one, right? I'm glad I didn't.It was meant to be a bad horror movie, it succeeded and had me laughing the entire movie.The plot was stupid, the acting was atrocious, not only was there a homicidal turkey but he was a foul-mouthed, talking, homicidal turkey.There were so many outrageous elements to Thankskilling and I loved every minute of it!
   Johnny,Billy,Darren,Kristen, and Ali are all headed home from school, on their Thanksgiving vacation, when Johnny's (Lance Predmore) jeep breaks down.They just happen to have beer and tents and decide to camp there in the woods for the night and party.Darren (Ryan E. Francis) finds an old sign in the woods that reads "Crawberg"  and tells the group the legend that goes along with it...Right after the first Thanksgiving, pilgrim Chuck Langston dishonored Feathercloud, an Indian that practiced black magic.Feathercloud decided to curse all white people and used necromancy to bring back a dead turkey to wreak havoc on white people every five-hundred and five years on Thanksgiving.Of course it happens to be five-hundred and five years later and unbeknownst to them the turkey has already killed a dog, his first victim (the dog peed on him and he wasn't too happy about it).
   Oscar (General Bastard) finds his dog murdered by an axe and the turkey still at the scene.The turkey tells Oscar it was an "axe-ident" and Oscar has a melodramatic breakdown with his hands to to the sky asking "Why?".The next morning the group wakes to find Oscar in their camp looking for the turkey that killed his beloved dog.Meanwhile the turkey is hitchhiking and gets picked up by a guy who apparently is attracted to turkeys (he gives a whole new meaning to loving turkey). When he realizes what the driver's intentions are the turkey materializes a shotgun, from who knows where, and blows the guy away.Believe it or not, it continues to get even more ridiculous. Ali (Natasha Cordova), for example, is at her home getting it on with some guy when the turkey shows up, kills the guy, and takes his place behind Ali without her knowing.After the turkey's dramatic (how can I put this delicately?) finish, I guess, he tells Ali she's just been stuffed and kills her.As if the Ali and turkey sex scene wasn't crazy enough, the group arrives at Ali's to find her dead and  they also find the wrapper of an extra-small, gravy-flavored condom.
   Johnny,Kristen (Lindsey Anderson),Billy (Aaron Ringhiser-Carlson), and Darren decide they need to find a book on how to kill the turkey and Kristen suggests they go to her house because her dad has tons of books and probably has one on killer turkeys (duh, doesn't everyone?). When they get to Kristen's the turkey answers the door wearing her father's face (the turkey showed up earlier wearing Groucho Marx glasses claiming to be a friend of Kristen's and killed her father after having a cup of coffee with him). Kristen introduces who she thinks is her father (stupid, but extremely funny moment), to Johnny,Billy, and Darren and they then head out to the garage to find the book on killer turkeys.They find a book and discover how to kill the turkey, but I won't go into that.There is so much more I would like to share, but I don't want those of you who plan on watching it to know the entire movie beforehand.
   I loved the stupid humor Thankskilling had to offer.It even had some pretty decent gore which made it even better for me.I expected Thankskilling to be as awful as Rock N Roll Frankenstein (my Jan.14th blog) if not worse, but it surprised me and I got some really good laughs out of it.Netflix gave it 3.1 out of 5 stars, but I think I'll bump it up to 3.7 !

Friday, January 27, 2012

Suspended Animation (2001)

   Tom Kempton (Alex McArthur) goes on a ice fishing trip in Northern Michigan with two of his buddies and finds himself in a bad situation.When Tom crashes his snowmobile on the property of lunatic sisters, Vanessa and Ann Boulette (Laura Esterman and Sage Allen), they hold him captive and threaten to make him their next meal.They have a lovely pantry full of body parts, including a severed penis (yummy, pass the underwear sauce please). Tom later escapes with the help of two friends, just as his head is about to be drilled into by Ann.After Tom's ordeal with the cannibalistic Boulette sisters he becomes obsessed with learning about the life of Vanessa Boulette and creating an animated film with a character based on her.
   Tom finds Clara Hansen (Maria Cina), the daughter that Vanessa gave up for adoption, and makes her the model for his animated character.Clara has no idea who her birth mother is until Tom later reveals it to her because of his concern that her fifteen year old troubled son,Sandor (Fred Meyers), may be a serial killer ( I think it might be the vaginal lips wrapped in aluminum foil that gives it away).
   I liked this movie.It was very well written and acted.Laura Esterman and Sage Allen were convincing psychotic sisters and Alex McArthur was also convincing in his role.I have to admit that I'm a little disappointed that Suspended Animation was a good movie, only because I don't like to reveal too much about the good ones so it gives me less to write about ( I can't stand it when someone ruins a good movie for me). Being the blood and guts loving girl that I am, I think it could have used some serious gore, but it was still entertaining enough without it.Netflix gave Suspended Animation 2.9 out of 5 stars, I give it 3.3. I wasn't able to find a trailer for this movie but I did include a four minute clip from it.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Slayer (2006)

   United States soldier Captain Tom "Hawk" Hawkins (Casper Van Dien) and his squadron that includes his best friend Grieves (Kevin Grevioux) are sent to a South American jungle to find out why several locals have been attacked and murdered. Shortly after arriving they are surrounded and attacked by day-walking vampires.When Grieves is later turned into a vampire their attacks become more organized and strategic due to his military experience.
   This was an extremely bad movie.While watching it I kept thinking that it reminded me of one of those awful Sci-Fi Channel made for t.v. originals.Well, through research I found out that's exactly what it is (damn I'm good!). I really can't recall a worse vampire movie (probably because there isn't one). I witnessed one of the worst puke scenes ever when Hawk and his fellow soldiers were on a boat and spotted dead bodies floating in the river.The actor had his back to the camera and turned around to spit a big wad of something out of his mouth that didn't even resemble vomit.Was their budget so low that they couldn't even afford to make vomit look realistic?At least there was some occasional good gore.There is a scene where a couple of vampires are playing catch with a little girl (it doesn't take a trained eye to see that it's VERY obviously a doll being tossed around), but then they sort of make up for it when the vampires rip her in half. Sadly, that was the best part of the movie.
   I knew Slayer had a low rating (2.3 out of 5 stars), but I made the mistake of thinking it might be decent because Casper Van Dien was starring in it.WRONG!Okay, maybe I was blinded by his hotness and forgot about Tarzan and the Lost City (1998). Even with the bad Tarzan movie already on his resume Slayer has to be a huge embarrassment.
   In my opinion you shouldn't even bother watching Slayer.It was so bad I don't even want to waste my time picking it apart and pointing out all of the stupid parts of the movie.I'd like to just move on now and remember Casper's good movies like Starship Troopers and Sleepy Hollow.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Rammbock: Berlin Undead (2010)

   Zombie movies are my absolute favorite horror movie sub-genre and the really good ones seem to be few and far between.One of my good friends makes fun of me because I occasionally have terrifyingly realistic and extremely intense zombie nightmares (okay it's funny, but not when I'm in the middle of one of those dreams) and yet I still can't get enough of zombie movies.Maybe the fact that I've battled to survive many a zombie in my dreams makes the movie experience that much more intense for me.
   In Rammbock: Berlin Undead, Michael (Michael Fuith) travels to Berlin to try and talk his long distance girlfriend Gabi (Anka Graczyk) out of breaking up with him.He arrives at her apartment to find that she isn't home and asks the seemingly frustrated handyman in her apartment if he knows where she might be (he's working on something and has his back to Michael). The handyman's assistant, Harper (Theo Trebs), walks in and he and Michael are attacked by the handyman, now turned zombie.After locking the crazed zombie out of the apartment they hear a commotion and look out of the window to see a horde of undead attacking people in the courtyard of the apartments.The news reveals that there is a deadly,  madness inducing virus spreading around the country.Michael and Harper, who are complete strangers, are stuck together in Gabi's apartment and have to work together to figure out how to deal with the disaster.
   I LOVED this movie!I often found myself holding my breath as if I were the one surrounded by hordes of the crazed and infected.The zombies are fast moving,brutal, and scary as hell in the style of 28 Day's Later zombies.I can't think of a single aspect of  Rammbock: Berlin Undead that wasn't done well, it rivaled the intensity and terror of 28 Day's Later without a doubt.I'm tensing up just writing about it!
   If I had to say one bad thing about this movie it would be that it wasn't long enough.It's sixty-one minute running time wasn't nearly enough for my zombie fix.Netflix rated this movie only 3.2 out of 5 stars (Boooooo...). It's a 5 in my book!I avoided this movie for a couple of months because of the rating (bad zombie movies piss me off). To think that I almost didn't see this movie because of Netflix's rating makes me wonder how many good movies I'm missing out on.Now I plan on checking out more zombie flicks on Netflix, and though I'm sure most of them will be deserving of their poor rating, I might just find another jewel like Rammbock: Berlin Undead.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Bread Crumbs (2011)

   Bread Crumbs is about an adult film crew who rent a remote cabin in  "east bumf@*# nowhere"(sorry,couldn't resist (House of Blood,my Jan. 12th blog)), to shoot a movie.Before they know it they're being hunted by someone from the surrounding woods.
   In the opening scene of Bread Crumbs the film crew makes a pit-stop in the woods and encounters a couple of strange teenagers in front of their van as they're leaving.They offer the kids a ride and they decline so they drive off to the cabin they're renting for their shoot.After arriving at the cabin the film crew decides to relax and party before they get to work the next morning.Angie (Marianne Hagan), an aging porn star who wants this to be her last adult film, doesn't join the party and steps outside to get away from the craziness going on in the cabin.As Angie is relaxing outside when she runs into the creepy, doll toting teenage girl Patti (Amy Crowdis), that they encountered earlier.I was about to make fun the teenage girl for carrying a doll and claim that it was unrealistic, but then I recalled that I played with Barbie's until I was fourteen.Shhhh...don't tell anyone!Anyway...as Angie is talking to Patti, the girl is startled by howling coming from the woods nearby.Angie tries to comfort her by telling her "It's probably just a raccoon or something." A raccoon? A howling raccoon? I don't claim to know everything about the animal kingdom, but I'm pretty sure there isn't a species of howling raccoon.
   The next morning the film crew gets to work on their movie.As adult film stars Skylar (Zoe Sloane) and Billy (Steve Carey) are in the middle of a scene someone spots Henry (Don Shaked), Patti's half-witted brother, peeping in on the shoot.The whole crew freaks out as if voyeurism isn't already in their line of business!After their horrifying ordeal of being watched  while having sex on camera, the crew manages to pull themselves together and get back to work.Dominic (Douglas Nyback) is locked outside by film director Eddie (Mike Nichols) for not having his lines memorized for his scene (How hard can porn movie lines be?). While Dominic is outside trying to memorize his lines he's attacked and the rest of the crew starts to get killed off throughout the course of the movie.                                         
    It's obvious from the beginning of the movie that Henry and Patti are going to be the killers so I don't feel like I'm spoiling anything for you.They have this weird Hansel and Gretel obsession that just makes the plot stupid .It would have been a much better movie if they had left out that aspect of it.It just seemed very unnecessary except that it made the title make sense.They should have left it out and changed the title.
   Overall it wasn't too terrible of a movie.The acting was fine and it had an okay story (minus the Hansel and Gretel thing). I would have liked to have seen a lot more gore, it was seriously lacking in that department.The goriest scene in the movie was when Skylar's throat was cut, and it wasn't gory at all ( I doubt even my 2 and a half year old would have flinched). Netflix gave Bread Crumbs 1.9 out of 5 stars.I would give it 2.6. I don't know exactly how Netflix determines their ratings but they gave In Search of Lovecraft  (my Jan. 21st blog) 2.4 stars and it was a MUCH more awful movie than Bread Crumbs.How does that happen? If you're looking for a really good horror movie I wouldn't recommend Bread Crumbs, but if you're bored it's worth checking out.