Johnny Sunshine:Maximum Violence (2008)

   Johnny Sunshine is irrefutably the worst movie I've ever seen.I'm literally at a loss for words when it comes to this movie.It usually doesn't take me very long to write my reviews, but I've been sitting here for what seems like forever trying to figure out where to begin with this disaster.
   Johnny Sunshine is a female pornographic snuff film star who is Max Maximum Productions' top selling star in a future filled with zombies ( Johnny Sunshine was made in 2008 and set in 2012 yet one of the characters is using a 10 lb flip phone reminiscent of  the gargantuan 1980's car phones.). Max (Eric Halsell) decides Johnny is no longer an asset to him and plans, behind her back, to have her killed in one of her own pornographic snuff films.
   This movie was filled with badly choreographed fight scenes and unconvincing zombies (How do you screw up acting like a zombie?I master it every morning just getting out of bed!). There were some gory scenes but I was unimpressed by them, maybe because the movie was just so idiotic that I had a hard time getting into it,I just wanted it to be over. I feel like they were more interested in making a porno than a horror film. It was just a very disturbing movie, not because of the constant references to necrophilia, but because I can't believe someone wasted their money making this total piece of crap.If I thought they had made a single cent of profit for making it I might consider suing them for mental anguish.I usually try really hard to find at least one good thing to say about a movie no matter how bad, but I've got nothing.Netflix rated Johnny Sunshine 1.7 out of 5 stars.It deserves a negative 5 and all evidence of this movie should be wiped off of the face of the planet before another person has to suffer through it.I may need counseling.I didn't include a trailer with this review because I couldn't find a censored version and I don't know if there are any kids checking out my site.The trailer is awful anyway!

Bloodlock (2008)

   Married couple Barry and Christine move into a new house after Christine (Ashley Gallo) suffers a nervous breakdown caused by the death of her mother.Christine's skank,husband stealing, half-sister Lisa (Karen Fox) (Huh?No, I'm not bitter!), is living with them and sleeping with Barry (Dominic Koulianos). Christine discovers a strange locked metal door with a cross in the basement of their new house and becomes obsessed with opening it.Elderly neighbors Foster (Dirk Hermance) and Edwina (Debra Gordon) are also obsessed with opening the door in Christine's basement.The elderly couple has plans of becoming immortal, they know the world's very first vampire was imprisoned in the basement by the former owner of the house.
   Christine, determined to open the mysterious door, goes into town to find a locksmith.She meets locksmith Luke who tells her that some things are just better left alone and she shouldn't try to open the door.She returns home to find Foster and Edwina in her basement drilling the lock to the metal door.They manage to to open the door and Christine escapes as the vampire is busy killing the oh so deserving Barry and Lisa (okay, maybe I'm a little bitter!). Luke is pulling up to her house just as she's running out and takes her back to his place.It came as a total surprise to me that Christine and Luke end up sleeping together... excuse me, it was more like making love  (Can you feel me rolling my eyes?Really?This is supposed to be a horror movie people!No mushy love scenes!!). Meanwhile the vampire is out turning people and very ungorily killing (I know that's not a real word, but this wasn't a real movie either). Sometime between Christine and Luke's stupid love scene and the next morning when they go looking for the vampire, I noticed Christine managed to find the time to put red streaks in her hair (Vampire attack survival list: garlic,crosses,holy water,stakes...red highlights in hair?).
   Christine,Luke, and Foster find the vampire's nest filled with people he's just recently turned.Luke is pinned down by a female vampire and a closeup reveals that the blue and red veins covering her face and hands are so ridiculously and obviously drawn on by a freaking ballpoint pen (thumbs up to the makeup crew!). When Luke is killed Christine becomes extremely distraught over the loss of her longtime boyfriend (2 days). Christine manages to get the vampire back to the basement when he's weakened by her garlic tainted blood after biting her.

   Wow, Bloodlock was terrible!Hands down some of the worst acting I've ever seen.I guess the plot would have been good if the movie had been executed properly with good acting and special effects, but that didn't happen.It actually had a little surprise at the end that I didn't expect, but it didn't change my opinion of the movie.Netflix gave Bloodlock 1.6 out of 5 stars and I guess that's fairly accurate, maybe a tad generous.Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to buy a few copies of Bloodlock to keep handy as presents for people who piss me off between now and Christmas.